Each Journey Begins With A First Step....

.... Mine began with a car accident. It all started a year ago. September 26, 2009 to be exact. The day started off well. I woke up early. I had goals! I was living with the man I loved. My best friend of ten years. We had a house. We had a puppy. We had plans for children and marriage and...

And on that day his mother was meeting my mother for the first time. Not just meeting. I was taking them to see a musical. Into the Woods. One of my favourite musicals. A musical neither of them could find offensive or hate. A musical they could bond over. A musical that starred a wee Scottish boy named Euan Morton. A boy who's presence on stage had moved me to tears and joy and passion over the years in three countries and five stages. A connection from my other world. A world of art and travel and theatre and parties. A world neither mother had experienced. Not only were they meeting one another, they were meeting an aspect of my life they had never seen...

So on that day I woke up early. I had coffee with my boyfriend and kissed him goodbye. I drove into the city early. The play was taking place on a university campus at the start of the new semester. I wanted to get a chance to explore their bookstore shelves and drink in all the new anthropological thought being put forth that semester. I carefully selected a book to start my journey and went out onto the campus in the sunshine. I remember the air was colder that day than I had expected, but I was just so happy to be there I didn't care. I dove into my book, watching the clock for the time I had to make my way to the theatre and meet the mothers...

When they arrived, both of them after wandering lost for bit, I introduced them. They greeted one another warmly. Both happy he and I finally found our way together. Talking about weddings and grandchildren and family small talk. We took our seats and the curtain rose. It rose and from the stage rose Euan. A woodland creature wrapped in all the magic of his person and the craft and my dreams. His voice with its Scottish lilt enchanting not only myself but the mothers, who both smiled and applauded loudly throughout the play. After, his mother left for the drive home. My mother and I stayed after. We stayed for a lecture on the symbolism of the play and its ties to the symbolism in the fairy tales portrayed. I was passionate in my beliefs. I spoke out before all those at the lecture and was applauded. My mother was impressed with my thoughts and shared thoughts of her own. We kissed goodbye and I drove home...

I almost drove home. I passed the exit for home. I took another exit. I wanted to stop and buy the ingredients to make soup for my boyfriend for dinner. He was spending the day with his best friend and I wanted to surprise him. I remember wanting to make it special while I told him about our mothers first meeting. It was an important day. So important that I changed my mind on where I wanted to shop. The regular market wasn't good enough. I wanted organic! I turned my car around and drove down 6th street toward the community mercantile. The light was green at 6th and Maine as I drove through...

Tried to drive through. I saw the car and turned the wheel to the right to soften the blow. The airbag hit. The car filled with smoke. I remember taking my keys and my phone and stumbling out of the intersection onto the grass. I remember dialing 911. I remember a girl asking if I was alright and saying no. I remember calling my boyfriend and telling him I needed a ride to the hospital. My left arm was badly broken. I was dizzy and confused. I could see the Lawrence Surgery center at the intersection and remember thinking what an ugly building it was....

I don't remember the next part until my boyfriend was next to me in the ER. My arm hurt so badly I couldn't think. I remember a little girl about 4 being near me ill with a fever and wanting to hold her and make her feel better but no one would let me. I remember xrays and screaming in pain while they tried to put my arm into a position to take them properly. I remember hearing the xray tech say "Oh shit! Look at this" when they saw my films. Then came surgery and plates and screws and pain killers and physical therapy and vertigo and finally realizing the vertigo wasn't from the pain killers ... I had neurological damage as well. Then came my boyfriend leaving me. And throwing me out of our house...

On February 21st I turned 30. Single. Unsure where or how I would live on my own. Unable to drive or to pay my own bills. Isolated from my beautiful friends around the world that I used to so easily and so innocently have faith I could travel to see. Depression started. Fear. But also strength of spirit. I started taking pride in all the little accomplishments. "Today I washed my hair."  "Today I cooked my own food." "Today I made a new friend online." "Today I walked to check the mail on my own." It was a lot of crying and a lot of heart break but also a lot of reminding myself that each positive step has its own worth....

And in May I took a huge positive step. I traveled very carefully on my own to Chicago. I made sure I had airlines and cars and hotels notified of my condition. I went to see someone who would become not only a friend but a positive force of encouragement and accountability in my life. I didn't know it at the time. I just thought I was going to see Hal Sparks the comedian for the first time. Though I knew him as Hal Sparks the liberal and very vocal radio personality. I had started listening to him speak on The Stephanie Miller Show. He ustreamed the program with video and a chat room where he interacted with fans. He also did his own personal ustream shows where he shared his personal beliefs and inspirations. He drew me out of my depression and into a social world of positivity and self improvement. It's almost a cultish charm he has that draws people in. Only there's no smoke and mirrors with Hal. He lives his life exactly as he says he does. There's no self pity or denial around him either, he never holds you to standards you can't achieve. He has this irritatingly amazing way of charming you into loving yourself and drawing you out of your shell and onto the path of self discovery. Sometimes it makes me want to scream. Sometimes it makes me want to hug him. Sometimes....but I didn't know him yet in Chicago in May. I made it to the city and found my way to the comedy club. I genuinely laughed for the first time in months at his set. Afterward I recognized another comedian, Chris Bonno, in the crowd and was greeted with a warm hug. From this came two very important meetings that have lead me to this point of positive and now documented seizing of my future: Chris walked me over to a table and introduced me to a woman...a twin soul...Jess Laine.  And from that moment I knew we had a journey ahead of us. Jess, who's influence and friendship in my life has in so many ways grounded and saved me. Jess, who's idea it was that we blog this journey we're taking from today onward. A journey to improve our lives and move forward...truly move forward in one years time. Jess, of whom I spoke when I turned and saw Hal Sparks for the first time next to me and I said "I'm stalking her now...".

So returned from thirteen days in London. My always lucky 13. Closing old doors and opening new ones. Embracing life and learning my worth and playing with the people I love in the city I love. Being led back into myself and pushed out of my comfort zone into a world of possibility of who I can be...by this same Hal Sparks. Come home to Jess. To our goals and our plans and our hope for a year of improvement ending in finding a place and a life for who we want to be. Every step of this journey from waking up that morning and preparing for that fateful day...through pain and slow recovery and heartbreak and loneliness and ongoing illness and strength and friendship and slow but decisive steps toward rebirth...every step has had a purpose. Every step has brought me to now....

And A Year Moving Forward. xXx