Suicidal Computers and Happy Thoughts

This is going to be short because though my computer did eventually turn back on, its only staying up for about 3 minutes at a time. Everyone please think cheap computer repair thoughts and happy healing computer energy! My computer is my connection to the world and I don't know what I'll do without it.

But on a happier note... I woke up today smiling and still am. I went for a walk and had coffee and chatted with people in the coffee shop. (Ok I badgered them to contact their senators to vote to remove DADT...but they didn't stone me! So I think they were receptive!) On my way I had to stop and take a couple of photographs of the beauty I was lucky enough to witness. I wonder how much we miss rushing around in our everyday lives?

A beautiful trail of mushrooms! Makes me think of dancing pixies and fairies! I'm sure they were there, and just hiding when they heard me on the path...

And just look at this beautiful perfect red rose covered in shimmering dew...I literally walked past it on my way to the gym. Something inside me told me to "stop and smell the roses" and am I ever glad I did! So breathtaking! And it smelled wonderful too!

Thats my day so far! Worked out hard but still going out for an evening stroll. Then I'm trying a new soup recipe for dinner! Today is a good day! (Other than the impending death of said computer...)

Back To The Magic

Today has been a hard day. I woke up with that feeling of falling. Falling with no one to catch me. I hate that feeling. I'm one of those people that thrives on touch. Hugs, holding hands...it makes me feel safe and fights off the loneliness. This morning was lonely. I tried to fight it off by going out for breakfast. Talking to people and listening to conversations. It helped a little but not enough. I joined in the chat in the ustream but I never really felt connected to it today. The radio show was phenomenal and that kept my attention but didn't help with the need for contact. So I decided to do what I usually do to fight off impending depression. I went for a walk.

There's something about being in nature. It has always soothed my spirit. The further I am from the city the more at peace I seem to be. It helps me to think and it helps me clear my head. And it helps me to feel connected to an energy greater than myself, thereby becoming less lonely.

So today I walked and I thought and I dreamed and I evaluated and asked the universe for solutions to help me build the life that I want. As always the universe answered. And as always, not in the way expected.  Loneliness for people is temporary. The people that love me, though they live far away, aren't going anywhere. They will love me just the same when I see them again. I know the distance is temporary. The true answer to my loneliness is spiritual. I've gotten too far off the path of my personal spirituality. Losing it is losing who I am. It is where I find my comfort and how I connect with the energy of the universe. I need to get back to that. I need to get back to the beauty of the divinity all around me and let go of the material needs and desires that are weighing me down. The universe is making me poor for a reason. It is a life lesson. Time to embrace all the beauty and resources that are given freely in the world around me. Time to welcome magic back into my life.

Sometimes magic is subtle. An energy or a whisper on the wind. But not today. The intelligent Universe knew it really had to get my attention. I needed something special to pull me back into myself. So I was surrounded by a swarm of beautiful, delicate and vibrant butterflies....

Now I feel revitalized. Not so alone. Not so isolated. Walking a path on my own doesn't mean that I'm ever truly alone. I may just be right exactly where I am supposed to be.

What Can I Do Today...

Today I don't have a lot of energy. Ok. I have zero energy. Its one of those days where the vertigo is winning. So this is going to be short. But as I was lying there all curled up on my sofa with my kittens enjoying the soft breeze through my windows...I was enticed by the smell of delicious exotic spices and warm bread smells drifting up from my neighbours flat. As my mouth began watering and my stomach growling and my brain rejecting the thought of eating any more frozen pizza or chips and salsa (haven't had a ride to the market yet since I returned home from England) I had an idea! I will learn how to cook a new ethnic food. I may not have the money to travel to a far off part of the world at the moment....but what is one of the first ways we experience any new culture?! EATING! Sometimes this is expensive...and well...my piggy bank is full of glitter and wishes at the moment but not a lot of money. But sometimes...it just takes a bit of creativity! Maybe I can fit one new dish in a week to break the monotony of the ramen/mashed potato diet I'm currently embracing.

Where to begin you ask? Well on my last day in England I woke up early and spent the day wandering around the stalls and street vendors of Camden Market. Looking for my breakfast, I came upon a stand selling Spanish foods and though beautiful, they are almost never vegetarian. But on this particular Saturday they had it! A vegetarian potato tortilla! And it was the best thing I'd had on a cool morning in ages! Warm and familiar yet exotic. Perfect for the Autumn weekends that are just around the corner.

So now I am bravely on a mission (from a reclining position on my bed ...praying the room would spin the other way for a bit! lol) to find a recipe to recreate this yummy goodness. I promise to share my results, along with any recipe that actually tastes the way its supposed to. And if anyone knows how to make this, please please share your secrets!

I'm off! But maybe a nap first...

One Day At A Time

I remember years ago I worked in a dental office. I was assisting two particularly horrible hygienists and working four rooms by myself. (Julie, not you!) The charts weren't being put back on time and the rooms weren't getting cleaned and I couldn't get anyone to follow my schedule. I was so upset that people were waiting and not happy that it was making me lose confidence in myself even though I was doing the best I could in the situation. I spent most of the day bouncing between rooms trying to please everyone and do everything and it made me less and less happy. That's when I received some advise:

Sometimes life is like standing in a snow storm. Each flake is beautiful and has value. But if you try to focus too deeply on each one you lose track of others and everything begins to go white and you become blind in the snow. But if you step back a bit. Let your eyes soften their focus. You can look through the flakes and you can take them all in and still find your way in the spaces in between.

Its not about doing everything perfectly. Or doing it quickly. Or even doing it right. Sometimes life is about taking it all in and seeing the beauty around you while continuing to move forward. You can't let yourself get weighed down with problems and goals that may no longer be important in helping you reach your destination. It doesn't mean ignore the snowflakes. It just means to take them all in as a part of the bigger beautiful picture.

This is a lesson I entirely suck at following. I like being good at what I do. I pride myself in it. So many things came easily to me before. They don't always now. It doesn't mean they won't again some day. But I get really lost trying to hold myself up to a level of expectations for my life I had when my abilities were different and I don't see all the amazing things I'm still doing. I need to change how I set goals for myself. I need to give myself credit for the goals I accomplish. I also have to not get so focused on the goals I set and where I want my life to go that I'm missing the place I'm at now. The view from here has its own merit and worth.

I'm trying now to live in the balance. Not to stand still and wait for life to move me. But also not to push myself so that I am set up to fail or fall. And the funny thing about when you start living life the right way....the Universe sends people to help you along. Sometimes in words of encouragement from a friend *cough* Hal *cough*. And sometimes in the kindness of community and people you've yet to meet. Thank you to everyone that has read my first post on Hal's recommendation today. Your kind words and encouragement and love mean more to me than I can say. When my faith in myself is lacking there you all came to build me up. We all have different beliefs. I think we can all agree that the Universe sets us on the path to meet the people in our lives we're supposed to meet when we need them the most. We're lucky to have one another. I am lucky to have all of you here. Thank you.

My goals for today were simple. To watch the sun rise.

And to find joy in the simple things in life...

                                                                                    ....like running through sprinklers!

And to see the beauty that I often miss while I'm looking forward instead of around me.

And most importantly. To remember to take life One Day At A Time.

Each Journey Begins With A First Step....

.... Mine began with a car accident. It all started a year ago. September 26, 2009 to be exact. The day started off well. I woke up early. I had goals! I was living with the man I loved. My best friend of ten years. We had a house. We had a puppy. We had plans for children and marriage and...

And on that day his mother was meeting my mother for the first time. Not just meeting. I was taking them to see a musical. Into the Woods. One of my favourite musicals. A musical neither of them could find offensive or hate. A musical they could bond over. A musical that starred a wee Scottish boy named Euan Morton. A boy who's presence on stage had moved me to tears and joy and passion over the years in three countries and five stages. A connection from my other world. A world of art and travel and theatre and parties. A world neither mother had experienced. Not only were they meeting one another, they were meeting an aspect of my life they had never seen...

So on that day I woke up early. I had coffee with my boyfriend and kissed him goodbye. I drove into the city early. The play was taking place on a university campus at the start of the new semester. I wanted to get a chance to explore their bookstore shelves and drink in all the new anthropological thought being put forth that semester. I carefully selected a book to start my journey and went out onto the campus in the sunshine. I remember the air was colder that day than I had expected, but I was just so happy to be there I didn't care. I dove into my book, watching the clock for the time I had to make my way to the theatre and meet the mothers...

When they arrived, both of them after wandering lost for bit, I introduced them. They greeted one another warmly. Both happy he and I finally found our way together. Talking about weddings and grandchildren and family small talk. We took our seats and the curtain rose. It rose and from the stage rose Euan. A woodland creature wrapped in all the magic of his person and the craft and my dreams. His voice with its Scottish lilt enchanting not only myself but the mothers, who both smiled and applauded loudly throughout the play. After, his mother left for the drive home. My mother and I stayed after. We stayed for a lecture on the symbolism of the play and its ties to the symbolism in the fairy tales portrayed. I was passionate in my beliefs. I spoke out before all those at the lecture and was applauded. My mother was impressed with my thoughts and shared thoughts of her own. We kissed goodbye and I drove home...

I almost drove home. I passed the exit for home. I took another exit. I wanted to stop and buy the ingredients to make soup for my boyfriend for dinner. He was spending the day with his best friend and I wanted to surprise him. I remember wanting to make it special while I told him about our mothers first meeting. It was an important day. So important that I changed my mind on where I wanted to shop. The regular market wasn't good enough. I wanted organic! I turned my car around and drove down 6th street toward the community mercantile. The light was green at 6th and Maine as I drove through...

Tried to drive through. I saw the car and turned the wheel to the right to soften the blow. The airbag hit. The car filled with smoke. I remember taking my keys and my phone and stumbling out of the intersection onto the grass. I remember dialing 911. I remember a girl asking if I was alright and saying no. I remember calling my boyfriend and telling him I needed a ride to the hospital. My left arm was badly broken. I was dizzy and confused. I could see the Lawrence Surgery center at the intersection and remember thinking what an ugly building it was....

I don't remember the next part until my boyfriend was next to me in the ER. My arm hurt so badly I couldn't think. I remember a little girl about 4 being near me ill with a fever and wanting to hold her and make her feel better but no one would let me. I remember xrays and screaming in pain while they tried to put my arm into a position to take them properly. I remember hearing the xray tech say "Oh shit! Look at this" when they saw my films. Then came surgery and plates and screws and pain killers and physical therapy and vertigo and finally realizing the vertigo wasn't from the pain killers ... I had neurological damage as well. Then came my boyfriend leaving me. And throwing me out of our house...

On February 21st I turned 30. Single. Unsure where or how I would live on my own. Unable to drive or to pay my own bills. Isolated from my beautiful friends around the world that I used to so easily and so innocently have faith I could travel to see. Depression started. Fear. But also strength of spirit. I started taking pride in all the little accomplishments. "Today I washed my hair."  "Today I cooked my own food." "Today I made a new friend online." "Today I walked to check the mail on my own." It was a lot of crying and a lot of heart break but also a lot of reminding myself that each positive step has its own worth....

And in May I took a huge positive step. I traveled very carefully on my own to Chicago. I made sure I had airlines and cars and hotels notified of my condition. I went to see someone who would become not only a friend but a positive force of encouragement and accountability in my life. I didn't know it at the time. I just thought I was going to see Hal Sparks the comedian for the first time. Though I knew him as Hal Sparks the liberal and very vocal radio personality. I had started listening to him speak on The Stephanie Miller Show. He ustreamed the program with video and a chat room where he interacted with fans. He also did his own personal ustream shows where he shared his personal beliefs and inspirations. He drew me out of my depression and into a social world of positivity and self improvement. It's almost a cultish charm he has that draws people in. Only there's no smoke and mirrors with Hal. He lives his life exactly as he says he does. There's no self pity or denial around him either, he never holds you to standards you can't achieve. He has this irritatingly amazing way of charming you into loving yourself and drawing you out of your shell and onto the path of self discovery. Sometimes it makes me want to scream. Sometimes it makes me want to hug him. Sometimes....but I didn't know him yet in Chicago in May. I made it to the city and found my way to the comedy club. I genuinely laughed for the first time in months at his set. Afterward I recognized another comedian, Chris Bonno, in the crowd and was greeted with a warm hug. From this came two very important meetings that have lead me to this point of positive and now documented seizing of my future: Chris walked me over to a table and introduced me to a woman...a twin soul...Jess Laine.  And from that moment I knew we had a journey ahead of us. Jess, who's influence and friendship in my life has in so many ways grounded and saved me. Jess, who's idea it was that we blog this journey we're taking from today onward. A journey to improve our lives and move forward...truly move forward in one years time. Jess, of whom I spoke when I turned and saw Hal Sparks for the first time next to me and I said "I'm stalking her now...".

So returned from thirteen days in London. My always lucky 13. Closing old doors and opening new ones. Embracing life and learning my worth and playing with the people I love in the city I love. Being led back into myself and pushed out of my comfort zone into a world of possibility of who I can be...by this same Hal Sparks. Come home to Jess. To our goals and our plans and our hope for a year of improvement ending in finding a place and a life for who we want to be. Every step of this journey from waking up that morning and preparing for that fateful day...through pain and slow recovery and heartbreak and loneliness and ongoing illness and strength and friendship and slow but decisive steps toward rebirth...every step has had a purpose. Every step has brought me to now....

And A Year Moving Forward. xXx